I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
