Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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