i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
