Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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