I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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