well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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