She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
