Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
