Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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