wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
