Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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