I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
