The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
we're making bets on your personal life
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
