Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
