he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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