A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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