kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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