I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
id be glad to
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
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