Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
