Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
