his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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