I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
did i just pee glitter
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
