How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
