if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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