you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
