my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
