It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
