Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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