I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
