Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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