dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
