From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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