I am puke
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
