So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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