Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
