His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
