So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
