well I can't set my house on fire every night
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
