Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
