a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
