I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
