LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
