I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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