Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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