I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
