my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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