Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
