I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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