Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
