He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
