The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
